i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
