great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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