Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
