I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
