why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
