who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
