Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
