it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
