I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
