ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
