I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
