I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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