took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
