He had one of those small greek statue penises
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
