He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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