I think I just saw someone hide a body.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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