He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
