I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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