i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
