I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
God, I missed his penis.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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