Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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