ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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