gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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