That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
it's like iHOP with fire
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
