Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
there's paper in my vomit.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
