Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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