dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
