I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
