I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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