There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
