i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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