He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
