He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
