i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
