I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
