My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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