You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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