Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
