It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
