Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
