I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
