i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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