false alarm. still invincible.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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