Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
