apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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