Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
