I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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