ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
