just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
