so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
