I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
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