Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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