i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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